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xox:.the way the blue could pull me in.:xox
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| .: amber is the colour of your engery :. |
[06 Nov 2004|12:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 drunk |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Green Day - Boulevard Of Broken Dreams |
] |
I'm drunk so lets update
okay, spent the night at evans with shane, my good friend, john,alex,ryan,blair,garrett and michelle. I'm tired and my stomache really hurts.
I want to cry i miss him so much. why did he do it to me. i so badly want to be in his arms, i want him to come online or email or call and say "i'm sorry" even if he leaves right after.
what happened to the.. no omatter what i'll come after u, i'll always love u.. i refuse to believe that was all fake.
he has a new girl now. i was pushed aside so quickly it seems.. or maybe its been building up, maybe it was easy for him. i wonder if hes been crying, or if he cried once. I cried, but not alot
chase i love you, but i can never have u back after what u did, although a friendship in the long run would be good.i miss ur hugs.. and ur eyes.. and ur hands.. and ick i'm drunk and i'm gonna cry.
it appears derek has pissed u off again and now u won't talk to me
i'm so fucking alone, i feel so alone. like.. i need to be held, but everytime sumone does its not the same, its never the same and it won't be good for a while. i want it to be good now, i want to feel comfort.
everyone is so content in digging themselves into their own holes.
shane thank u for tonight u helped, i'm glad ur my good friend
why
ugh
I relize now why i've been okay..... cuz i haven't been thinking about u, but tonight i did.
i should go cuz i'm just being stupid
ta ta
|
|
| .: Thanksgiving :. |
[09 Oct 2004|08:14am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 thankful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Underoath- Reinventing Your Exit |
] |
Alot of ppl seem to be doin this so here I go..
I'm thankful for..
- The past few days that have been warm
- Friday night, which was spent with old friends, it goes to show old best friend secrets, inside jokes, and love can never truely fade
- Talking on the phone for many days in a row with you
- Nicole and Jen, Linz, who have put up with my crap for over 14 years now.
- Good friends who cheer me up when I'm just not myself
- "The Palace Possy"
- Needles that peirce skin in the middle of an art class
- Controling my anger last week
- This Underoath song
- Music
- Girl talk
- My boys, even tho its been a while, I love them so much
- Hugs and kisses
- 404 Plaza with Jen whom I missed
- Headphones with loud music on long walks alone
- Love, of all kinds.
Things I'm not thankful for..
- Losing friendships
- You being straight up immature and taking that lock off the locker without my permission, I had stuff in there
- You freaking out on me
- Being ignored by you, and you.
- People who have lost some if not all interest in me
- This cough and running nose
- Me, ignoring you
In Conclusion
Have a good Thanksgiving and all that, eat alot of turkey and such. If somone thanks you, say your welcome, its only polite right?
.:`Love`:.
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| .: Cut me open, drug me.. repair all my defects :. |
[27 Sep 2004|08:19am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Good Charlotte - Predictable |
] |
Good morning all..
Just waiting for my cloths to dry so I thought I'd do a quick update... um..
Well it was a long weekend.. and it was pretty frickin good. Spent most of the time with Chase Garrett and Evan. Went to main street, bought slushies, a shirt, food. Basically walked all weekend... soooo much. I got a nice little work out.
So is everyone bored with school yet?
So things have been up and down, but I'm okay. I relized that I have no specific group of girlfriends, that kind of hit me.. but then I thought why do I need that? But maybe I do. I relize that sometimes i feel out of place with alot of my friends, simply cuz I'm not in that group 100%. I guess it doesn't matter tho cuz this is the last year of high school and whoever stays with me at this point I hope will be my friend for life.
I'm now starting up a hemp necklace business haha.. so if u want it come to me ;)
Wow I have nothing good to say...
Gonna go
Steph
O wait... decided I'm going to be a high school art teacher and I'm starting to look at universities. York, and OCAD are lookin hott.
I'm scared.
|
|
| .: random :. |
[11 Sep 2004|12:14pm] |
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mood |
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 okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Hawthorne Heights - Ohio is for Lovers |
] |
( 20 things.. )
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| .: Stolen from Kelsey :. |
[08 Sep 2004|07:42am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Kayne West - Spaceship |
] |
1. when and how did we meet?:
2. have you ever seen me with my shirt off?:
3. have you ever seen me cry?:
4. describe me in four adjectives?:
5. if we could spend a day together what would we do?:
6. have we ever gotten in a fight?:
7. if you could give me a present what would it be?:
8. would you hug me?:
9. what do you really think of me?:
10. have we ever kissed?:
11. has there ever been anything you wanted to tell me, but were scared to?:
12. wanna makeout?:
13. name one thing you dont like about me?:
14. what is your full name?:
|
|
| .: school spirit :. |
[07 Sep 2004|05:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 satisfied |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Kanye West - School Spirit |
] |
First day went well..
Woke up at 6:15 to Abbey, biting my necklace and then purring in my ear. Got up.. made sum tea, then blasted some Kanye West. Was ready and out the door to Jens around 8:15. Beautiful rainy morning. Jens dad drove Nikki, Jen, Kelsey, Scott, Jess, Michael and myself to school. Eventually we all lost eachother in the crowds of ppl, and the rushing to greet friends not seen since end of school.
Illustration is my first class. Seems really cool, drawing and such. Daves in that class, I'm sittin with him, Michelle and Steph.
Sculpture is next,Daves also in that class, as with Linz, and lots of other ppl. Mr. Lowery is teaching the class.. SO happy about that.
Philosophy is gonna be the shit!
Writters craft seems really good. Ms. Watts seems interesting. We don't have to ask to leave the room, no seating plan..she doesn't wear shoes. I'm looking forward to writing.
Saw a whole lot of friends, missed them alot. At lunch I went to Palace as usual. Good times.
SUMMER VACATION IS OVER THO.. and that makes me really sad...
SUMMER
The goods:
- Got closer to Evelyn and Kym, spent so much time together, it was nice to have girl friends like that. Ev and I going to parties together, getting drunk and high, I'd only do that with her and the guys. Going on endless car drives... sneaking Vex into my room, tanning, hair dying, laughter, strobe lights, blankets..
- Formed amazing bonds with Evan Garrett Rob and Greg. I got very close to the guys this year, and I feel like I know them a whole lot better now
- Chase
- I think I have a life now..
- I've changed again, for the better I would hope
The Bads:
- lost contact with Kym and Evelyn
- there weren't that many hot days
So yes...
I'm off to Gregs now I believe..
<3
|
|
| .: schools out from summer :. |
[07 Sep 2004|07:31am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 excited |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Liz Phair - Why Can't I |
] |
Are ya all ready??
:D
// Smiley face will be gone by this time next week \\
HAVE A GREAT FIRST DAY BACK
" I thought you said schools out forever?"
"No, no.. the name of the song is Schools Out For Summer"
|
|
| .: pictures :. |
[05 Sep 2004|03:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Ashley Simpson - Pieces of Me |
] |
( lovely )
|
|
| .: happy morning :. |
[03 Sep 2004|12:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 loved |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Yellowcard - October Nights |
] |
Love is real, and right now, I'm lucky to have it.. cause I need it.
Warm October nights
You came and cuddled next to me baby yeah yeah yeah
Our noses brushed so close
I wished it was our souls
Drifting off to sleep
I could hear the little snores you made
watching eyes shut tight
Like doors to something sweeter where you rest
Tear me off a piece of blanket
keep me warm and we can make it
Here's my heart, I'll let you break it
Touched your skin and I can't take it
Light will creep in soon
And I still haven't slept a wink baby yeah yeah yeah
I wish the sun would hide its head
So I could watch you dream some more
Wish the sun would hide its head,
So I could watch you dream some more.
|
|
| .: hmm :. |
[28 Aug 2004|07:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Blink 182 - Adams Song |
] |
I want to go home.
No matter how much u hate it at ur place, no matter how much ur family gets on ur nerves, believe me, u'll miss it.
I'm tired. I was with Linz all day, then Tina asked us to go to the movies, and I'm just not up for it. I'm tired, I'm lonley, and i just want to lie on my couch in my room with a book and be left alone.
Not saying its not good here.. but, ya.
This would be so different if this was my own place, i could make it my own, but all I have here are a few cloths, some food, a brush, and a few other personal things.
Oh well.
My heart goes out to Bruces family, even tho i defended Kym for so long, it doesn't mean I can't give out my sympathy. If Ev liked him, he must have been a good guy.
I guess it just makes u think. So many ppl wish death upon themselves, and then they lose a loved one and cry and feel terrible.. is it then they relize what effect their own death would be on others?
He won't be missed forever because what is forever? Our lives can't be forever.. can they? Or is forever just till the end of this life.. and then the real forever begins when we die? In any case, you'll all see him, hopefully not anytime soon though. Its just time to live ur life.
Life is way too short.
|
|
| .: life lessons :. |
[28 Aug 2004|01:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Hawthorne Heights - Silver Bullet |
] |
I would think that, after today, you would all learn to let go.
Don't you think?
R.I.P
|
|
| .: If my stupid poem could fix this home.. :. |
[26 Aug 2004|11:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Blink 182 - Stay Together For The Kids |
] |
Everyone thinks this is a joke, or its nothing.
I'M KICKED OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE AND MY FAMILY COULDN'T BE HAPPIER.
Did I really put them through so much shit, that the fact that my body has left the property is now sending a wave of bliss through those rooms on Sunnypoint?
Dads picked me up from work twice this week.. nothing said, expect
"want me to drive to Sandras?"
Theres no "let talk about this.." or " you know this'll pass" But hey, what can I expect, coming from the man who hides his feelings from me.
I need someone to force me into their arms and make me stay there until i cry, cry so hard and so long it hurts and I become dehydrated, cry so hard that I no longer hide all my emotions, and even if they truly can't understand, they run their hands through my hair and promise to never, ever leave me.
I want to be cared about, thought about, called and emailed, I want comments in my journal, I want notes on lined paper, I want knocks on my door.
I want an everlasting conversation about everything, and to be completly open and not feel stupid.
I wnt everyone to stop judging my desions. I want my Family to stop judging my decisions.
I want to no longer be replaced.
I want all the lies, all the bad mouthing, all the name calling,all the screaming, all the fighting, all the bullshit between everyone to end. CAN'T YOU SEE ITS POINTLESS? Do you even CARE TO SEE that its POINTLESS?! ALL these PETTY little fights between family, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, its all so stupid, because THEY are the people you'll need in the end.
Jeliousy, hate, replace those.
Screaming, arguing, end that.
I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE, CAN'T ANY OF YOU SEE THAT?! YOU THINK I'M OKAY!? WELL I'M NOT!! I WANT TO BE OKAY BUT I'M NOT AND I NEED HELP, I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE.
|
|
|
Its hard to wake up
When the shades have been pulled shut
This house is haunted
It's so pathetic
It makes no sense at all
I'm ripe with things to say
the words rot and fall away
If a stupid poem could fix this home, I'd read it every day
So here's your holiday
hope you enjoy it this time
you gave it all away
It was mine
So when your dead and gone
Will you remember this night
Twenty years now lost
It's not right
The anger hurts my ears
Been running strong for seven years
Rather then fix the problem
They never solve them
It makes no sense at all
I see them everyday
We get along so why can't they?
If this is what he wants
And its what she wants
Then whys there so much pain?
So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
It was mine
So when your dead and gone
Will you remember this night
Twenty years now lost
It's not right
So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
It was mine
So when your dead and gone
Will you remember this night
Twenty years now lost
It's not right
|
Adam's Song
I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest, who'd have known?
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone
I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we'd survived
I couldn't wait 'til I got home
To pass the time in my room alone
I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months, I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never step foot in my room again
You'll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault
I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we'd survived
I couldn't wait 'til I got home
To pass the time in my room alone
I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I've survived
I can't wait 'til I get home
To pass the time in my room alone
|
|
| .: life eh :. |
[24 Aug 2004|10:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 stressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Hawthorne Heights - Ohio Is For Lovers |
] |
Well... life is fun.
I'm kicked out for a while. I dunno how long, and I don't want ot explain why.. I can't even explain why.
This Jessica chick is starting shit again, I'm off to stop it...
Update later
|
|
| .: 1:17 am poetry :. |
[18 Aug 2004|01:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
random music on winmx |
] |
Every thing is gonna be alright, be strong, believe - Yellow Card
I need this to get better.
Why do I care so much
hate is such a strong word
but it would express this
but as lonely as i am
i'm beginning to miss...
shoot the windows thro
glass spears my heart
cover your eyes
this will tear you apart
lay me on the ground
stick ur gun to my head
i'll just smile with a single tear and whisper
"i'm not ready to be dead"
write uneven on this page
think of the past, just weeks away
head in my hands, blood
is what i've had to pay
Thinking is a beginning
but imagination is the truth
so lets pretend this isn't over
though we have no solid proof
bye?
|
|
| .: yay 6 hours at zellers complete! :. |
[17 Aug 2004|09:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 irritated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
random music on winmx |
] |
Life lately has been meh..
My family life is blah. I want to move out, like.. ya. Leave. Theres cheap apartments on main but I have no one to move in with as all my friends r boys who r just 16.>>CORRECTIoN.. the only ppl who r remotely even alloud to THINK about leaving home without getting jumped by their parents.. even then they would get in trouble.. r only 16<< I'll wait I guess.
I had another experience last night like those times in grade 10. Robs crazy ass g.f decides to tell him she thinks I'm dirt, quote " even lindz ( her friend) thinks she dirt" Like that makes it mean more.. especially when the chick doesn't even know me. First of all bitch, u have no tits, ass, or height, so i'll knock the shit outta u.. thats what I'd love to say, but why start anything again? Grade 10 was a nightmare.
O.. and I'm sorry..I shower every day.. or has dirt now become a personality trait? Considering these bitches r phyco who knows.
I'm not looking forward to this year of school. Last year I was, now i'm not. I have friends at huron but I haven't made any real connections.. expect of course nikki jenny linz and tina.. and u blair. okay i have connections but frig i'm still worried. This summer I've been with ppl who don't go to huron, so I'm royally fucked.
Rob told his mom about the porch swing and now everything seems to be better. I guess I really am lucky to have all the guys, and they're moms, who love me. Its nice, considering lately, I've been feeling very unwelcomed. Hate to sound like a total chick, but I kinda feel unloved to, by family mostly. I just keep wondering how its so easy for me to be forgotten and hated.
I'm sick and tired of ppls drama and jumping to conclusions. I mean, If you have a problem with me, a real one, tell me. I don't have any real problems with anyone at the moment anyway.
On an upside i went to the mall today and bought cloths. End of story.
I'm lonely and ppl r screaming up stairs int he living room.,.. yay.
Speaking of screaming, my aunt still hasn't spoken to me after her little drunken mood. Apparently I'm not alloud at her house anymore.. wonderful eh?
Monday I was kicked out of my house from 8:30 am to.. well it was suppose to be around 6.. but fuck that. I didn't go home.. until my mom located me and Cindy had to take me home. I was supposed to go to Nikkis but she was sleeping ( its okay i still love u ) so I went and knocked on evans room window (hes in the basment) and he let me in. Basically watched tv, while evan kept falling asleep and waking up. Then i fell asleep and woke up to greg coming over. Yay greg! We went out.. bla bla bla. Got some food, then met up with Chase Garrett and Garretts cousin Jen, who is super cool. Basically just walked around, then went to Robs at the end of the night and met up with, rob, of course, Brett, Steve, Harry, Greg and Crystal. Then i got called home.
OH well.. I'm bored, lonely, bitchy and pissed right off
bye
|
|
| .: can't pretend that I don't care :. |
[14 Aug 2004|10:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Our Lady Peace - 4 am |
] |
I can't take this anymore
Does anyone want to adopt a 5'4, blue eyed 17 year old "bad" teenage girl? I promise I'm good in other peoples homes.
I just want to be left alone. Is that much to ask?
If my friends r busy.. let me sit in my room with my phone and my msn.
I'll be out of here soon..
I yell because I can't control myself. You look like u hate me.. like me in pain makes u happy.. so I hurt.. and I yell. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to my mom, my dad, my whole family for bringing these years upon them. I hurt. I really feel unwelcomed and unloved.
Hows that for ur typical teenager post?
|
|
| .: if i'm not dead then i'm surly dying, if i'm not that well i'm really trying .: |
[14 Aug 2004|08:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The edge |
] |
Well the past few days have been cool.. Since about wednesday I've been at Robs basically everyday with Chase. Evan and Garrett have also joined us. Thursday i was with them till i went to work, then back again after work. It was quite nice.. until later that night. Someone broke my porch swing.. won't say who, but ugh. Friday after babysitting I went to Robs again.. just hung around while the guys played Halo.. went home. Around 7 chase shows up to pick me up to go to Travis'. Since his mom was driving him there ( so he wouldn't be walkin alone or anything) I told him to just call me in an hour and I'd met him. Okay, kiss, goodbye. I close the door and thats when it starts.
My parents see the swing... yay. So.. i dunno if I'm grounded right now but theres not much to do anyway but sit here.
Saw Kymma the other day. I really did miss her. Shes gonna dye my hair black and pink.. sex eh?
If ppl have a problem with me I'd really prefer they would take me aside and speak to me in private instead od trying to be a smart as and embarrass me and him infront of our friends. I wish I could tell her this but I'd likley get a foot up my ass and a shun from Cindy. But really, if u're mature i'll be mature. GAH
The whole family is here at the moment.. i spoke to mum tonight and we got along well enough. I'm still not speaking to my dad.
I've been thinking.. wtf am i to do with myself? I mean.. this is my last year at high school and my classes are..
- Issues in human growth and development ( i think thats what its called, i have a spare right now where thats supposed to be but i'm sure that'll be fixed)
- English University
- Journalism
- The Writters Craft
- Painting
- Sculpture (hopfully with Mr.lowry)
- World Religion
- Philosophy
So what to do? I'd still love to open up my own home for abused woman but how the fack would I came about it? I could also get into writting or art.. but I think its more of a passion then.. a career i suppose. I think i have to stop being so cool in school and actually try.
Thats all for now..
Everyone whos into shows go to the one at the Rock House Aug. 29th.. Nikki I'm expecting u there.. and this time Jenny u have to come.. plz?
Evelyn if u read this join the community boyskissing .. heres a "taste" so to speak.. if u don't orgasm to this then u're not the two pretty boys kissing lover i thought u were
L-o-v-e
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