.: Is love a tender thing? :.

.: My new Live Journal :.

2004-11-07T20:29:19Z

.: amber is the colour of your engery :.

2004-11-06T06:01:12Z

I'm drunk so lets update

okay, spent the night at evans with shane, my good friend, john,alex,ryan,blair,garrett and michelle. I'm tired and my stomache really hurts.

I want to cry i miss him so much. why did he do it to me. i so badly want to be in his arms, i want him to come online or email or call and say "i'm sorry" even if he leaves right after.

what happened to the.. no omatter what i'll come after u, i'll always love u.. i refuse to believe that was all fake.

he has a new girl now. i was pushed aside so quickly it seems.. or maybe its been building up, maybe it was easy for him. i wonder if hes been crying, or if he cried once. I cried, but not alot

chase i love you, but i can never have u back after what u did, although a friendship in the long run would be good.i miss ur hugs.. and ur eyes.. and ur hands.. and ick i'm drunk and i'm gonna cry.

it appears derek has pissed u off again and now u won't talk to me

i'm so fucking alone, i feel so alone. like.. i need to be held, but everytime sumone does its not the same, its never the same and it won't be good for a while. i want it to be good now, i want to feel comfort.

everyone is so content in digging themselves into their own holes.

shane thank u for tonight u helped, i'm glad ur my good friend

why

ugh

I relize now why i've been okay..... cuz i haven't been thinking about u, but tonight i did.

i should go cuz i'm just being stupid

ta ta

.: Thanksgiving :.

2004-10-09T15:25:59Z

Alot of ppl seem to be doin this so here I go..

I'm thankful for..

- The past few days that have been warm

- Friday night, which was spent with old friends, it goes to show old best friend secrets, inside jokes, and love can never truely fade

- Talking on the phone for many days in a row with you

- Nicole and Jen, Linz, who have put up with my crap for over 14 years now.

- Good friends who cheer me up when I'm just not myself

- "The Palace Possy"

- Needles that peirce skin in the middle of an art class

- Controling my anger last week

- This Underoath song

- Music

- Girl talk

- My boys, even tho its been a while, I love them so much

- Hugs and kisses

- 404 Plaza with Jen whom I missed

- Headphones with loud music on long walks alone

- Love, of all kinds.

Things I'm not thankful for..

- Losing friendships

- You being straight up immature and taking that lock off the locker without my permission, I had stuff in there

- You freaking out on me

- Being ignored by you, and you.

- People who have lost some if not all interest in me

- This cough and running nose

- Me, ignoring you

In Conclusion

Have a good Thanksgiving and all that, eat alot of turkey and such. If somone thanks you, say your welcome, its only polite right?

.:`Love`:.

.: Cut me open, drug me.. repair all my defects :.

2004-09-27T12:28:18Z

Good morning all..

Just waiting for my cloths to dry so I thought I'd do a quick update... um..

Well it was a long weekend.. and it was pretty frickin good. Spent most of the time with Chase Garrett and Evan. Went to main street, bought slushies, a shirt, food. Basically walked all weekend... soooo much. I got a nice little work out.

So is everyone bored with school yet?

So things have been up and down, but I'm okay. I relized that I have no specific group of girlfriends, that kind of hit me.. but then I thought why do I need that? But maybe I do. I relize that sometimes i feel out of place with alot of my friends, simply cuz I'm not in that group 100%. I guess it doesn't matter tho cuz this is the last year of high school and whoever stays with me at this point I hope will be my friend for life.

I'm now starting up a hemp necklace business haha.. so if u want it come to me ;)

Wow I have nothing good to say...

Gonna go

Steph

O wait... decided I'm going to be a high school art teacher and I'm starting to look at universities. York, and OCAD are lookin hott.

I'm scared.

.: random :.

2004-09-11T16:23:53Z

1. finally, summer weather
2. Why am I so cool.. why do I have to hold on to what he did to me
3. does he even remember, does he even care, to know that that fucked me up
4. Maybe its not just him, maybe its everything, everyone I've even known who has left me
5. I don't want to be left
6. I really want to go to value village with Evelyn
7. This cd I made kicks ass
8. I stretched my ears.. gauge 10 or 12 now
9. I'm lucky to have the friends that I have
10. This is possibly my last full year at Huron, and I feel like theres so much more that I could have done
11. Its nice to spend so much time with Nikki and Jenny, and with Jess and Kelsey
12. Rob found the old dounuts in our work locker
13. My knees don't fit well under this desk
14. Retrace the steps, as if we forgot..
15. I need to clean my room
16. I'm 18 in.. 6 months
17. I wish it was summer vacation
18. This time last year things seemed so amazing
19. Gregs party is tonight, then i have to get up at 10 for work.. ugh
20. I miss waking up early and going to Evans to be with him and Chase, I miss lying in that bed with the music on knowing the whole day was ours.

.: Stolen from Kelsey :.

2004-09-08T11:42:33Z

1. when and how did we meet?:
2. have you ever seen me with my shirt off?:
3. have you ever seen me cry?:
4. describe me in four adjectives?:
5. if we could spend a day together what would we do?:
6. have we ever gotten in a fight?:
7. if you could give me a present what would it be?:
8. would you hug me?:
9. what do you really think of me?:
10. have we ever kissed?:
11. has there ever been anything you wanted to tell me, but were scared to?:
12. wanna makeout?:
13. name one thing you dont like about me?:
14. what is your full name?:

.: school spirit :.

2004-09-07T21:19:21Z

First day went well..

Woke up at 6:15 to Abbey, biting my necklace and then purring in my ear. Got up.. made sum tea, then blasted some Kanye West. Was ready and out the door to Jens around 8:15. Beautiful rainy morning. Jens dad drove Nikki, Jen, Kelsey, Scott, Jess, Michael and myself to school. Eventually we all lost eachother in the crowds of ppl, and the rushing to greet friends not seen since end of school.

Illustration is my first class. Seems really cool, drawing and such. Daves in that class, I'm sittin with him, Michelle and Steph.

Sculpture is next,Daves also in that class, as with Linz, and lots of other ppl. Mr. Lowery is teaching the class.. SO happy about that.

Philosophy is gonna be the shit!

Writters craft seems really good. Ms. Watts seems interesting. We don't have to ask to leave the room, no seating plan..she doesn't wear shoes. I'm looking forward to writing.

Saw a whole lot of friends, missed them alot. At lunch I went to Palace as usual. Good times.

SUMMER VACATION IS OVER THO.. and that makes me really sad...

SUMMER

The goods:

- Got closer to Evelyn and Kym, spent so much time together, it was nice to have girl friends like that. Ev and I going to parties together, getting drunk and high, I'd only do that with her and the guys. Going on endless car drives... sneaking Vex into my room, tanning, hair dying, laughter, strobe lights, blankets..

- Formed amazing bonds with Evan Garrett Rob and Greg. I got very close to the guys this year, and I feel like I know them a whole lot better now

- Chase

- I think I have a life now..

- I've changed again, for the better I would hope

The Bads:

- lost contact with Kym and Evelyn

- there weren't that many hot days

So yes...

I'm off to Gregs now I believe..

.: schools out from summer :.

2004-09-07T11:34:13Z

Are ya all ready??

// Smiley face will be gone by this time next week \\

HAVE A GREAT FIRST DAY BACK

" I thought you said schools out forever?"

"No, no.. the name of the song is Schools Out For Summer"

.: pictures :.

2004-09-05T19:57:56Z

.: happy morning :.

2004-09-03T16:06:08Z

Love is real, and right now, I'm lucky to have it.. cause I need it.

Warm October nights
You came and cuddled next to me baby yeah yeah yeah
Our noses brushed so close
I wished it was our souls
Drifting off to sleep
I could hear the little snores you made
watching eyes shut tight
Like doors to something sweeter where you rest

Tear me off a piece of blanket
keep me warm and we can make it
Here's my heart, I'll let you break it
Touched your skin and I can't take it

Light will creep in soon
And I still haven't slept a wink baby yeah yeah yeah
I wish the sun would hide its head
So I could watch you dream some more
Wish the sun would hide its head,
So I could watch you dream some more.

.: hmm :.

2004-08-28T23:55:22Z

I want to go home.

No matter how much u hate it at ur place, no matter how much ur family gets on ur nerves, believe me, u'll miss it.

I'm tired. I was with Linz all day, then Tina asked us to go to the movies, and I'm just not up for it. I'm tired, I'm lonley, and i just want to lie on my couch in my room with a book and be left alone.

Not saying its not good here.. but, ya.

This would be so different if this was my own place, i could make it my own, but all I have here are a few cloths, some food, a brush, and a few other personal things.

Oh well.

My heart goes out to Bruces family, even tho i defended Kym for so long, it doesn't mean I can't give out my sympathy. If Ev liked him, he must have been a good guy.

I guess it just makes u think. So many ppl wish death upon themselves, and then they lose a loved one and cry and feel terrible.. is it then they relize what effect their own death would be on others?

He won't be missed forever because what is forever? Our lives can't be forever.. can they? Or is forever just till the end of this life.. and then the real forever begins when we die? In any case, you'll all see him, hopefully not anytime soon though. Its just time to live ur life.

Life is way too short.

.: life lessons :.

2004-08-28T17:15:52Z

I would think that, after today, you would all learn to let go.

Don't you think?

R.I.P

.: If my stupid poem could fix this home.. :.

2004-08-27T03:45:41Z

Everyone thinks this is a joke, or its nothing.

I'M KICKED OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE AND MY FAMILY COULDN'T BE HAPPIER.

Did I really put them through so much shit, that the fact that my body has left the property is now sending a wave of bliss through those rooms on Sunnypoint?

Dads picked me up from work twice this week.. nothing said, expect

"want me to drive to Sandras?"

Theres no "let talk about this.." or " you know this'll pass" But hey, what can I expect, coming from the man who hides his feelings from me.

I need someone to force me into their arms and make me stay there until i cry, cry so hard and so long it hurts and I become dehydrated, cry so hard that I no longer hide all my emotions, and even if they truly can't understand, they run their hands through my hair and promise to never, ever leave me.

I want to be cared about, thought about, called and emailed, I want comments in my journal, I want notes on lined paper, I want knocks on my door.

I want an everlasting conversation about everything, and to be completly open and not feel stupid.

I wnt everyone to stop judging my desions. I want my Family to stop judging my decisions.

I want to no longer be replaced.

I want all the lies, all the bad mouthing, all the name calling,all the screaming, all the fighting, all the bullshit between everyone to end. CAN'T YOU SEE ITS POINTLESS? Do you even CARE TO SEE that its POINTLESS?! ALL these PETTY little fights between family, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, its all so stupid, because THEY are the people you'll need in the end.

Jeliousy, hate, replace those.

Screaming, arguing, end that.

I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE, CAN'T ANY OF YOU SEE THAT?! YOU THINK I'M OKAY!? WELL I'M NOT!! I WANT TO BE OKAY BUT I'M NOT AND I NEED HELP, I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE.

Stay Together For The Kids

Its hard to wake up
When the shades have been pulled shut
This house is haunted
It's so pathetic
It makes no sense at all
I'm ripe with things to say
the words rot and fall away
If a stupid poem could fix this home, I'd read it every day

So here's your holiday
hope you enjoy it this time
you gave it all away
It was mine
So when your dead and gone
Will you remember this night
Twenty years now lost
It's not right

The anger hurts my ears
Been running strong for seven years
Rather then fix the problem
They never solve them
It makes no sense at all
I see them everyday
We get along so why can't they?
If this is what he wants
And its what she wants
Then whys there so much pain?

So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
It was mine
So when your dead and gone
Will you remember this night
Twenty years now lost
It's not right

So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
It was mine
So when your dead and gone
Will you remember this night
Twenty years now lost
It's not right

Adam's Song

I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest, who'd have known?
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all

I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside

The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we'd survived
I couldn't wait 'til I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months, I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never step foot in my room again

You'll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside

The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we'd survived
I couldn't wait 'til I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside

The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I've survived
I can't wait 'til I get home
To pass the time in my room alone

.: life eh :.

2004-08-25T02:48:10Z

Well... life is fun.

I'm kicked out for a while. I dunno how long, and I don't want ot explain why.. I can't even explain why.

This Jessica chick is starting shit again, I'm off to stop it...

Update later

.: random :.

2004-08-22T15:33:12Z

Lets start off with, I don't believe, for one second, that I'm a slut. Just becuase I have sex, does not make me one, especially since I have sex with just one person. I lost my virginity at 16 to Ben, in April, and wow, I just relized, that sexual relationship only lasted 4 months. I've been commited to Chase for a year now, and if thats slutty, then wow, get me a fucking dictionary.
I'm not dirt. When did the word "dirt" become a personality trait?
I have to say, I'm tough, but grade 10 made me vunerable.
Ben you fucked me right up. After what you did I've been insecure about relationships.
You too, Sarah, fucked me right up. Its natural in life to have friends leave, but cuz of what u did to me, I know believe that I make ppl run away from me, that its always my fault.
Whats so wrong with me, that every girl needs to hate me?
Example...

S t e p h [ the words you scribbled on the walls, loss of friends u didn't have, bye bye beautiful ]
yes, i'm not that bad of a person tho eh? i'd prefer u meet me before u dislike me

||xoxo??!%Jεşš%!??xoxo|| sInG *bAbY C* celly : 751 7365 NoThInG hAs eVeR bEeN sImPLe (ip)IN NC(ip)
well thats wat u perfer n i care about u why??

S t e p h [ the words you scribbled on the walls, loss of friends u didn't have, bye bye beautiful ]
dunno, just figure u;f be interested in knowing ur b.fs best friend

||xoxo??!%Jεşš%!??xoxo|| sInG *bAbY C* celly : 751 7365 NoThInG hAs eVeR bEeN sImPLe (ip)IN NC(ip)
yah the best friend is sittin right beside me??

S t e p h [ the words you scribbled on the walls, loss of friends u didn't have, bye bye beautiful ]
rob and i r definitly best friends, since grade 4

||xoxo??!%Jεşš%!??xoxo|| sInG *bAbY C* celly : 751 7365 NoThInG hAs eVeR bEeN sImPLe (ip)IN NC(ip)
ok? well his little sister is right besdie me n shes my bff too...so w/e...think wat u want

S t e p h [ the words you scribbled on the walls, loss of friends u didn't have, bye bye beautiful ]
his lil sister? well hun, i'm his big sister

S t e p h [ the words you scribbled on the walls, loss of friends u didn't have, bye bye beautiful ]
i don't think anyone can really take my place

||xoxo??!%Jεşš%!??xoxo|| sInG *bAbY C* celly : 751 7365 NoThInG hAs eVeR bEeN sImPLe (ip)IN NC(ip)
well i don't think he wants to tell ppl that his best friend is a fuckin NEwmarket slut whjo does it by a fuckin garbage can adn u can't replace his sister who is my lil sister so fuck off u pile off fuckin shit cuzzz dont' think u can come between rob his gf adn all his girl adn boys who all kno eachother and are not sluts

S t e p h [ the words you scribbled on the walls, loss of friends u didn't have, bye bye beautiful ]
sweetie, i'm hardly a slut.

S t e p h [ the words you scribbled on the walls, loss of friends u didn't have, bye bye beautiful ]
>>PERSONAL INFO I DELETED BEFORE PUTTING IN LJ<<

||xoxo??!%Jεşš%!??xoxo|| sInG *bAbY C* celly : 751 7365 NoThInG hAs eVeR bEeN sImPLe (ip)IN NC(ip)
o and don't think u can do shit cuzz ask brett about me bitch u shit o its joc

||xoxo??!%Jεşš%!??xoxo|| sInG *bAbY C* celly : 751 7365 NoThInG hAs eVeR bEeN sImPLe (ip)IN NC(ip)
wtf bitch shut ur trap befor u make someone do it for u ok

S t e p h [ the words you scribbled on the walls, loss of friends u didn't have, bye bye beautiful ]
hun.. ur not worth it k? i'm too old for this now, i;ve been thro all the stupid grade 10 drama, so good night and have fun.. i tryed to be civil and be nice to u cuz of rob, but i'm not gonna waste my time, i'll just forget about u.. and if ur gonna talk., don;t be stupid and swear, be mature,,, c ya
Do you think I handled that well?
I don't want to lose Evelyn and Kym
I've been a bad friend to Linz and Tina. This whole summer I've ignored them, and its not right. Linz said she felt like I had left her.. well maybe in ways I did, but I promise, I never stopped thinking about u.
Jen although you probably don't read my journal I'd just like to say I miss you too, alot. I miss hanging out with you.. I know I'm probably saying this way to late, but I guess thats better then never saying it.

I was gonna type alot more .. but now i just wanna listen to music, I'll finish later

.: 1:17 am poetry :.

2004-08-18T05:18:23Z

Every thing is gonna be alright, be strong, believe - Yellow Card

I need this to get better.

Why do I care so much

hate is such a strong word
but it would express this
but as lonely as i am
i'm beginning to miss...

shoot the windows thro
glass spears my heart
cover your eyes
this will tear you apart

lay me on the ground
stick ur gun to my head
i'll just smile with a single tear and whisper
"i'm not ready to be dead"

write uneven on this page
think of the past, just weeks away
head in my hands, blood
is what i've had to pay

Thinking is a beginning
but imagination is the truth
so lets pretend this isn't over
though we have no solid proof

bye?

.: yay 6 hours at zellers complete! :.

2004-08-18T01:42:13Z

Life lately has been meh..

My family life is blah. I want to move out, like.. ya. Leave. Theres cheap apartments on main but I have no one to move in with as all my friends r boys who r just 16.>>CORRECTIoN.. the only ppl who r remotely even alloud to THINK about leaving home without getting jumped by their parents.. even then they would get in trouble.. r only 16<< I'll wait I guess.

I had another experience last night like those times in grade 10. Robs crazy ass g.f decides to tell him she thinks I'm dirt, quote " even lindz ( her friend) thinks she dirt" Like that makes it mean more.. especially when the chick doesn't even know me. First of all bitch, u have no tits, ass, or height, so i'll knock the shit outta u.. thats what I'd love to say, but why start anything again? Grade 10 was a nightmare.

O.. and I'm sorry..I shower every day.. or has dirt now become a personality trait? Considering these bitches r phyco who knows.

I'm not looking forward to this year of school. Last year I was, now i'm not. I have friends at huron but I haven't made any real connections.. expect of course nikki jenny linz and tina.. and u blair. okay i have connections but frig i'm still worried. This summer I've been with ppl who don't go to huron, so I'm royally fucked.

Rob told his mom about the porch swing and now everything seems to be better. I guess I really am lucky to have all the guys, and they're moms, who love me. Its nice, considering lately, I've been feeling very unwelcomed. Hate to sound like a total chick, but I kinda feel unloved to, by family mostly. I just keep wondering how its so easy for me to be forgotten and hated.

I'm sick and tired of ppls drama and jumping to conclusions. I mean, If you have a problem with me, a real one, tell me. I don't have any real problems with anyone at the moment anyway.

On an upside i went to the mall today and bought cloths. End of story.

I'm lonely and ppl r screaming up stairs int he living room.,.. yay.

Speaking of screaming, my aunt still hasn't spoken to me after her little drunken mood. Apparently I'm not alloud at her house anymore.. wonderful eh?

Monday I was kicked out of my house from 8:30 am to.. well it was suppose to be around 6.. but fuck that. I didn't go home.. until my mom located me and Cindy had to take me home. I was supposed to go to Nikkis but she was sleeping ( its okay i still love u ) so I went and knocked on evans room window (hes in the basment) and he let me in. Basically watched tv, while evan kept falling asleep and waking up. Then i fell asleep and woke up to greg coming over. Yay greg! We went out.. bla bla bla. Got some food, then met up with Chase Garrett and Garretts cousin Jen, who is super cool. Basically just walked around, then went to Robs at the end of the night and met up with, rob, of course, Brett, Steve, Harry, Greg and Crystal. Then i got called home.

OH well.. I'm bored, lonely, bitchy and pissed right off

bye

.: do ittttt :.

2004-08-15T16:07:55Z

1. I'm Stephannie
2. Envy my groin
3. no seriously.. envy it
4. I think the name Stephannie looks prettier with two n's
5. static on my radio sucks
6. I've been updating alot lately
7. taking pictures is sex
8. I like to capture happy times so i can look back and have full memory of it all
9. I miss school.. a bit
10.Wheres the summer heat?
11. I miss my old spiritual convos with Blair
12. I miss my friendship with Evan
13. Is an unlucky number
14. Someone was in my room 2 nights ago making noise and i got scared
15. reading is my escape
16. I love strong wind that nearly pushed me over.. an invisible force
17. I'm getting kym to dye my hair black and pink
18. I think Blair should dye is hair black, he'd look very.. hentai?
19. I only think of suicide when my parents and i fight
20. I think its to spite them
21. little cans of pepsi rock my face
22. I don't miss the past but i wish i could have stuck with a few ppl from it
23. i miss all those that i lost, and i haven't forgotten u
24. zellers is boring
25. its sunday, no work
26. I have 17 ppl online and thats including myself
27. I want a really big storm
28. I miss him
29. Swings and slide rock my socks.. both of them
30. I wanna sleep in a tent tonight
31. I get peircing becuase they make me feel like an individual
32. I want to be noticed.
33. candles are pure sex
34. Gillian I miss u
35. reading right now would be wonderful
36. art is my passion
37. No clue what I'm gonna do with myself after highschool
38. Should I move to Northern Ireland
39. Northern Ireland feels like home
40. Newmarket is my home
41. Music is another escape
42. I hate when people judge music
43. my cousin was in the punk band Stiff Little Fingers
44. I feel unwelcomed at home
45. I have filled out about 4 sketchbooks
46. Drawing is harder now, due to the fact I don't know what to draw
47. Blank paper fills me with ideas
48. I want to fly
49. I'm a pyro
50. I find things in life beautiful.. I'm actually quite spiritual
51. I believe in ghosts, sprits, angels,signs, a higher being
52. Everyone has a God to kill for.. they just all have different names- Matt Good
53. I'm really sensative
54. Black eyeliner rocks my face
55. Boys in black eyeliner and tight shirts rock my face even more
56. Tattoos are art, the canvas is your skin
57. I want to be a canvas
58. Yes Blair photogenic is a word
59. I tend to be forgotten
60. Or have any of u forgotten me
61. yes you
62. Why didn't I try to stop losing u
63. Pictures from the past make me question things
64. Every year i change, and I hope its for the better
65. I wish i was dark and mysterious
66. I kinda am..
67. You don't want to see me truly angry..
68. I like to write poetry with friends, like Dan
69. My nails are the perfect length right now
70. I feel bad for not seeing alot of other friends with summer
71. i like my room
72. I wish i could make a difference
73. Love to go to africa.. or austrailia
75. feet in sand.. mm
76. grade 12... last year
77. I love photoshop
78. Hopefully mr. lowery teaches sculpture. he may be spacey, but I look up to him in art
79. I love to learn
80. I think alot
81. I could live in my happy day dreams
82. History.. and learning about it.. is amazing
83. I'm interested in many religions
84. I think I have alot of growing and learning to do
85. speaking of growing, I'm now 5'4
86. wanna know how I'm feeling? Look in my eyes
87. My eyes tell all
88. I like shows
89. Music makes me feel alive
90. It fills me with energy
91. Saving money would be cool
92. I want to find my place
93. This is almost over
94. I wish it was hott and I was in my pool.. and that pool would be about 80 something degrees
95. its 12:04 and I basically just woke up
96. I miss you two
97. Angelina Jolie is beautiful
98. I love her tattoos
99. I write in many notebooks
100. I believe in love

.: can't pretend that I don't care :.

2004-08-15T02:16:48Z

I can't take this anymore

Does anyone want to adopt a 5'4, blue eyed 17 year old "bad" teenage girl? I promise I'm good in other peoples homes.

I just want to be left alone. Is that much to ask?

If my friends r busy.. let me sit in my room with my phone and my msn.

I'll be out of here soon..

I yell because I can't control myself. You look like u hate me.. like me in pain makes u happy.. so I hurt.. and I yell. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to my mom, my dad, my whole family for bringing these years upon them. I hurt. I really feel unwelcomed and unloved.

Hows that for ur typical teenager post?

.: if i'm not dead then i'm surly dying, if i'm not that well i'm really trying .:

2004-08-15T01:01:46Z

Well the past few days have been cool.. Since about wednesday I've been at Robs basically everyday with Chase. Evan and Garrett have also joined us. Thursday i was with them till i went to work, then back again after work. It was quite nice.. until later that night. Someone broke my porch swing.. won't say who, but ugh. Friday after babysitting I went to Robs again.. just hung around while the guys played Halo.. went home. Around 7 chase shows up to pick me up to go to Travis'. Since his mom was driving him there ( so he wouldn't be walkin alone or anything) I told him to just call me in an hour and I'd met him. Okay, kiss, goodbye. I close the door and thats when it starts.

My parents see the swing... yay. So.. i dunno if I'm grounded right now but theres not much to do anyway but sit here.

Saw Kymma the other day. I really did miss her. Shes gonna dye my hair black and pink.. sex eh?

If ppl have a problem with me I'd really prefer they would take me aside and speak to me in private instead od trying to be a smart as and embarrass me and him infront of our friends. I wish I could tell her this but I'd likley get a foot up my ass and a shun from Cindy. But really, if u're mature i'll be mature. GAH

The whole family is here at the moment.. i spoke to mum tonight and we got along well enough. I'm still not speaking to my dad.

I've been thinking.. wtf am i to do with myself? I mean.. this is my last year at high school and my classes are..

Issues in human growth and development ( i think thats what its called, i have a spare right now where thats supposed to be but i'm sure that'll be fixed)
English University
Journalism
The Writters Craft
Painting
Sculpture (hopfully with Mr.lowry)
World Religion
Philosophy

So what to do? I'd still love to open up my own home for abused woman but how the fack would I came about it? I could also get into writting or art.. but I think its more of a passion then.. a career i suppose. I think i have to stop being so cool in school and actually try.

Thats all for now..

Everyone whos into shows go to the one at the Rock House Aug. 29th.. Nikki I'm expecting u there.. and this time Jenny u have to come.. plz?

Evelyn if u read this join the community boyskissing .. heres a "taste" so to speak.. if u don't orgasm to this then u're not the two pretty boys kissing lover i thought u were

L-o-v-e

.: I l-o-v-e you :.

2004-08-13T05:07:17Z

Well I updated.. Infact, I updated huge.... and it deleted.

Oh well.

I've had an awsome few days. First with Linz and Tina.. then Jenny and Nikki, then Rob Chase Evan and Garrett.

How much I missed Jen and Nikki.. I love you both so much.

Tonight I got to be with all my boys for the first time in a while.. I l-o-v-e you guys...

I'm feeling a little lost and forgotten in some areas, but I suppose at some point this will go away... maybe?

Why do some people have to change just for others? I wish everyone could just be their true selves and not have to worry about what others think, but unfortunatly it doesn't work that way.

"this is my peice.."
"Fack aff Rob!" "Fack u Steph... you biTch"
o... brownies
gourmet mack and cheese
"where r my fackin cheesies!?" " Fack you Evan and your Fackin cheesies!"
N64
video taping
" you have 5 minutes.. GO!"
I said no to drugs but they didn't listen ~zoom onto Garretts face~
" thats it.. work it"
the beginning of cereal story

Theres more.. but I wanna go to bed now.. Night loves

.: she wore these pants that said east side.. and i was like.. i wish i was on that side :.

2004-08-05T03:52:44Z

Hmm

Today I worked, 10-2:30.. there wer epoints were i was wondering if it would ever end. Got home, called the boys to see what was goin on. Chase invited me over, but i had to clean up my room a bit first.. so my ride from his mom was lost when i decided to be stupid and watch dr.phil instead of clean. So.. i decided to sleep. Woke up at 6, and thought.. I'm gonna go to Sunnys, take out money and get a taxi to see chase.. and I did just that.

Good night with Chase and Garrett, walking around their side of town. A night of empty,half built homes, the arcade.. i stayed there for 4 hours, most of it was talking, laughing, usual. Good night.

Tomarrow I work 12-4. I don't know what I'm doing after, hopefully the guys will come down to this side of town.

I relized I haven't seen Ev and Kym in a long time, which sucks. Next pay check i wanna buy a tent and camp out *shrug* if they're willing.

I miss Nikki a whole lot. Shes been gone now for almost 3 weeks... and Jens been away too. I can't wait till they get back and we can all have a night together.

well thats all

night.

.: la la la...de de doo..thats my song :.

2004-08-03T20:56:01Z

Its been a while since I've updated.. and I was thinkin that its time I do that.

This past week has sucked. Tuesday was the last time I've been with my boys, and I miss them. I haven't spoken to Evan since friday, and I'm a little worried about him I suppose.

Some people are huge hypocrites. And no, these people do not have an LJ, so don't comment asking if i'm talking about you.

I'm not really in any mood right now, so I suppose I can't bitch..

I'm tired of hearing ppl bitch anyway.

Went to the show sunday, was agood time, saw alot of friends, met some new ppl, skanked a wee bit. Monday I went out to mcdicks with Nick, Shawn and Jackie from work, then went to snookers. Good times. Seans a little odd, Nicks cool, him and Jackie seem pretty *ow ow* together.

Right now I'm talkin to Aarons g.f Nicole.. so I'm hoping I'll get to see Aaron soon!! To hang out with Aaron and Kristen again.. and to have Mike join.. would be a dream come true. Don't get me wrong tho.. the ppl I have right now, make me happy to be alive.

Gonna go

.: mmm last night :.

2004-07-18T23:58:00Z

Gregs party

Wonderful time.. highlights anyone?

- Ryans dragging himself through the house
- walks to the TnB
- Lying on the gravel with Ev, beautiful conversation
- Sweaty drunk Gus, dancing to techno
- the strobe light
- peoples reaction to the strobe light
- Reba!
- 24 pictures.. 8 left.. what the hell did we take pics of?
- kisses
- all the bowls of cereal
- Gregs deck, were we all sat..
- Ev's angry pose
- finding out there was another part to Gregs basment..
- FACCK... HAAAWWT
- The ring pop
- the Chips
- the flakey... mmmmmmmm
- Meeting new ppl
- sharing vex

Being with ppl who love u!

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

.:hearts:.

2004-07-16T16:34:17Z

I'm feeling a little bit left of center

Then again, we've all been there before.